Have you seen the tired mother posts on social media of a freshly showered mother often captioned with something like “Finally took a shower. #selfcare”? I have seen this all too often. Unfortunately we live in a world where women’s needs are often put on the back burner. Women get conditioned to believe that basic hygiene is considered self care and that we should feel #blessed to get the opportunity to squeeze a shower into our day. You and I both know women deserve more than this and while self care has taken on more importance in our society in recent years. It has been defined incorrectly as meeting basic needs like hygiene, healthful eating and getting enough sleep. On top of this I have seen self care often confused with self love too. It's the constant watering down of what women deserve or should strive for that just pisses me off. All women are worthy of a life that includes self care and self love no matter what stage of their life or what pressures exist. So now that we have my rant out of the way let's talk about what self love is and how by amping up your self care practices you can move into a life of more love! The way I see it is that self care is the bare minimum in which we should be practicing, and I am not including basic needs in this definition. I am talking things like your exercise practices, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, taking a relaxing bath, going for a walk, chatting with a friend, really whatever practices or activities make you feel good. Generally speaking, self care can be defined as the actions you take to make yourself feel good. Self love can be defined as “an appreciation of one's own worth or virtue”(1). Which seems like a simple concept but how do we actually practice this? Particularly if we are starting from a place of depletion. We can practice it in small shifts in the way we do things and by shifting our internal dialogue. Below I share 4 ways to push your self care practices into self love overdrive. 1. Get extravagant Think of your self care practices now and see if you can amp them up. Add some extravagant touches to your relaxing baths, add your favorite music to your yoga practice, burn incense while you meditate. Take what you already do and add to it to make it even more special to you.
If you have been following my blog for a while you would know that I am from Australia and live in California, which means all my family is over 7,000 miles (11,000km) away. So, Christmas time is a quiet time for us here in San Diego and while we have our little family to celebrate with we miss the big family get togethers that we would be a part of if we were home. There is envy in my heart when I speak with my family as they all talk about their Christmas plans together, my mind plays the "but if" game thinking about how nice it would be if I could just buy a plane ticket and join them. I feel it taking my attention away from my present moment and enjoyment at spending Christmas as our little unit. I wan't to be present here in the life I have now not playing the wishing game because when we constantly wish for things to be different it is hard to appreciate what we have. So how do I come back to the present and enjoy the life I have? I turn to mindfulness, the practice of being at one with the present moment, slowing down and enjoying the little things. Talking with my friends about family at this time of year I am also reminded that not everyone has great memories of magical childhood Christmases and can experience a lot of stress and anxiety around this time of year. The mindfulness practices that I employ this time of year are ones that apply to any type of stress, so if you are dreading Christmas this year because of rough relationships, loss or anxiety give these practices a go and create some of your own memories. 1. Moving away from consumerism and into community Support small businesses and shop local and small this season. Small businesses have taken a massive hit these last two years, especially creatives like myself. With craft markets few and far between this festive season, what should be our most lucrative time of year has left us feeling stressed and defeated. Please try to resist the urge to shop amazon and other big businesses and make someones family smile with your purchase. Bonus you'll get better customer service a personalized experioence and most probably a much better product (that doesn't victimize vulnerable populations). I guarantee you will come out of this season feeling so much better about your purchases if you make this small change. 2. Creating the atmosphere you want. Holiday decor is everywhere, and the pressure to have that perfectly instagramable home is real! But you know what matters more? Connecting with your space. Yep, sounds easy right? Well it's okay if it isn't easy, maybe the perfectly decorated home is just too stressful for you to upkeep. Maybe money is tight and you can't afford all those expensive decorations. Or maybe you find it hard to connect with the commercial "fast fashion" of holiday decor. Well here are a few things you can do to create that atmosphere you want without visiting Michaels and Hobby Lobby. Scent You'll notice I always come back to scents when creating a mindful space. This is because the sense of smell is one of the most powerful senses when it comes to evoking memories. And for me at Christmas it is all about the festive smells. If you love Christmas time try some of the following scents to get you feeling festive, you'll notice that most of these have warming properties which is perfect for a winter Christmas: Spices: Cinnamon, Clove, Nutmeg, All spice, Ginger Herbs: Rosemary, Thyme, Sage Plants: Cedar, Juniper, Pine Fruit: Orange, lemon, apple These earthy, warming scents work with the root and sacral chakra which are very important chakras to work on balancing as we enter the new year, particularly if you are the kind of person who likes to set new year intentions. Having your lower chakras in balance gives you a great foundation to build on as you cultivate new growth. If, however, you struggle with this time of year and the scents listed above do not bring happy memories try going the opposite direction with more floral scents that work with your heart chakra. While I like to advocate that you work with your lower chakras first, jumping straight to the heart chakra can give you that sense of calm and nurturing you may need over the holidays. Try rose, jasmine or ylang ylang. When it comes to scents I always suggest burning or diffusing pure natural versions. Essential oils in a burner or diffuser, burning incense or burning the dried plant itself. Using synthetic fragrances can disrupt the endocrine system and make you susceptible to illness.
I struggle with motherhood... a lot... and often. It's the constant waking up in the middle of the night (yes totally normal for a toddler), tantrums, frustrations, potty learning, refusal to eat anything, demanding every snack in the cupboard, water in the 'vessel of the day' (a fun guessing game whilst being screamed at), the guilt of sitting down at the computer to work while I sit him in front of the tv, the thoughts of inadequacy as I wonder if I should be taking him outside to play more, socialise more, more vitamin D!!! The list could go on for days and I am guessing if you are a mother too you probably have a similar mile long list buzzing around in your head. Well you are certainly not alone there, I sit with you in frustration and solitude. I sit with it because I know that this society will not have it any other way, every where you turn you are bombarded by images of "perfect" mothers, unsolicited advice, judgement of your choices and sometimes even shame and disappointment. So how do we navigate this environment while raising tiny humans in a way that doesn't see us crumble under its mighty weight? I am not sure I have an answer for you but what I do have is ways to ground myself, practices to help me turn inward to a place of intuition and knowing and tools to keep mothering in a way that is authentic to who I am. 1. Breathe Yeah I know, you've heard this one before but hear me out. First take your focus away from stressors, look at an artwork on your wall, something in nature, a burning candle etc. Take three deep cleansing breaths, in through the nose and sigh out through the mouth with an emphasis on releasing tension in your body on the exhale. 2. Connect with your child Find something that you can connect with your child on, ask simple questions like: Would you like to practice your breath with me? Can you find something that is the color red/yellow/blue/etc? Can you find me something soft to squeeze? Tell me about what you are doing? I find that simple action based questions can help calm a moment while your child has to focus their attention on something else. While this may only be a moment, it can be that moment you use to catch your own breath too. Note this will not work during a meltdown nor can I guarantee it will work at all (toddlers are mysterious like that) but it can give you a chance to regroup and your child a moment of connection. 3. Connect with yourself. Once you feel the energy has calmed around you pick one of your 5 senses and find something that ignites that sense and brings you pleasure. Place a hand on your heart, close your eyes and breathe slowly and deeply then spend a few moments indulging in the pleasure of your chosen sense. Here are a few ideas: sip on your favorite drink or eat your favorite food smell your favorite essential oil hold something smooth/furry/soft etc in your hands and run your fingers over it (a pet works well here) listen to some soothing sounds Whatever you choose take the time to focus fully on the simple act you are performing and notice the pleasure you find here. Doing these few small things when I am feeling overwhelmed or in chaos can make all the difference in how the rest of my day plays out. I find that if I stay on the chaos and stress train then my reactions to what should be minor stressors can be out of proportion. It is almost like pressing reset on the day and who doesn't love a second chance?!
It's mid January and those lofty New Year's resolutions you set two weeks ago are starting to slip and not seem so important anymore. You may start hating on yourself when you let them slip a little and start to resent setting them anyway. That New Year's feeling of optimism is long gone and now you are left feeling defeated and maybe even a little worse about yourself. I know that feeling well! So a few years ago I asked myself why I keep putting myself through all that? They never worked anyway and always left me feeling like a failure. So I stopped. I did nothing. But that didn't sit right either. As we turn over a new year you can't help but be flooded with feelings of possibility for a year ahead, the slate wiped clean so to speak. It's all around you! The discounted gym memberships, chants of "New Year, New You!", diet's and detoxes at every turn on social media, not to mention all the questions of what resolutions you have set, or my current pet hate "What is your word for 2021?". (cue eye-roll here). Yep I said what I said! I hate this new trend of picking a word to live up to for a whole year. It seems to float around the yoga and wellness circles in place of resolutions, touted as a more self loving, kind way to enter the new year. So we have gone from lofty, specific and often hard to reach goals (ie. setting yourself up for disappointment) to totally a totally vague and arbitrary word that you are supposed to live up to for 365 days (damn near impossible to attain something that is not defined at all)! By now you are probably thinking I sound like a total cynic, but hear me out. While both these New Year tactics may work for some I know for a fact some of you are still with me, so whats the alternative? I can't claim to know the magic combination of things to give you hope in the new year and success in the following 365 days. But I can tell you what has felt better for me. So here are my 3 New Years rituals.
Fall and Winter are seasons that lend themselves well to a slower pace and a more inward turning lifestyle. However with these seasons coinciding with the holiday season in the Northern Hemisphere you may find yourself in a struggle between mind and body, mind wants to race while your body wants to slow down. This year we have been given what I am looking at as an opportunity in the COVID crisis. With many states experiencing spikes in case rates and instituting more restrictions I invite you to use this forced slow down as an opportunity to allow your mind to meet your body in its slower state. Focus on the moments that allow you to slow down and nurture yourself and your loved ones. When I think of my favorite things about Fall (Autumn for my fellow Aussies) and Winter, the things that spring to mind are cold, quiet mornings with a hot coffee and cozy pyjamas, open fires with toasted marshmallows, fondu night with my family (don't forget the mulled wine) and fun layered clothes. Now back home in Australia I usually get to enjoy all these things in the middle of the year, distanced from the chaos that is Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year. In my Southern Californian home however the chaotic summer is followed by an almost non-existent Fall "pause" before being thrust into Halloween (which seems to happen for a whole month here instead of the single day back in Aus), then into Thanksgiving and all the commercial nonsense that is Black Friday, then Christmas and its pressure for the perfect family affair and then finally New Year where after all that exhaustion we are supposed to welcome in another year with bold ambition, lofty goals and next to no energy left. Wow, that got a little grim didn't it? So with the change in pace this year I invite you to channel some of my Aussie winter serenity, slow it down a bit, find those simple pleasures and pace yourself. As you may guess craft and yoga feature heavily in my self care routine and in todays blog post I will go through a couple of ideas for creating this slowed pace and throw in a mindful project for you also.
It's okay to admit to liking Pumpkin Spice! It's not "basic", it's science! Did you know that your sense of smell is the most potent sense to elicit feelings of nostalgia? I bet you have felt it before, passing someone in the street wearing your mothers perfume taking you back to your childhood, the smell of sunscreen to make you think of a beach holiday. Well that PSL is no different and will take you back to, hopefully, fond memories of fall. When I moved to the US four years ago I soon discovered the overwhelming obsession with fall scents over any other season, and while I don't love them in quite the same strength and quantity as some, I love them none the less. It feels like as soon as the summer days begin to get shorter we are bombarded with cinnamon, clove, nutmeg, cardamom and star anise in every store we visit. Those marketing people understand the power of nostalgia and they leverage it at any chance they get. So why don't we? This is one of the reasons that you will notice the sense of smell features a lot in my mindfulness practices. Choosing the right scent for the season, your mood and what you want to feel will set you up for success in your practice. Scents for Fall Fall is all about the spices! With the cooler weather approaching you'll be looking to wrap up in soft textural layers to keep warm and the scents you choose should do the same. Spices have very warming properties so can not only help you to warm up physically but they will create a warming presence to your space. Here is a list of warming spices to use as the months cool down, you will notice that many of these will carry over into the winter season well too. Cinnamon - antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, and antimicrobial properties (1) Clove - increases blood circulation, making the skin feel warmer Cardamom - stimulates the lungs loosening and drying congestion, higher core body temperatures (1) Nutmeg - antioxidant, anti-inflammatory and antibacterial (3) Star Anise - relieves symptoms of colds and congestion, muscular aches and pains, and aids digestion (2) Ginger - well known for treating upset stomachs, nausea, and motion sickness, has antiseptic properties and high levels of antioxidants (1) Turmeric - anti-inflammatory and to improve blood circulation (1) Did you notice any of your fall favorites on this list? If you aren't sure about these, for reference, Pumpkin Spice is made up of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves so it is no surprise that this spice blend is so perfect for the cooler months. Full of warming spices that not only taste good but can boost your immune system and keep sickness at bay. So next time you reach for that Pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL for the cool kids) take the time to slow down, taste each one of natures healing spice gifts, thank our beautiful earth for growing this bounty for you and best of all you can tell everyone "It's not basic, it's science!... and medicine!" If you'd like more information on mindfulness practices you can get my 3 go to practices by clicking here or try this fun seasonal DIY craft which uses cinnamon and star anise in mini macrame form by clicking this image below.
Do poses like this keep you from joining a yoga class? Do you feel like you can't do yoga because your body doesn't move like this? I'll let you in on a little secret about my body and its ability to do this pose... it has very little to do with practicing yoga for many years. Did I just say that? Yep! I have been a dancer ever since I was 5 years old, my body always bent in ways that most peoples didn't. I was doing what I now know as wheel pose most of my childhood on my parents front lawn so it is natural that my body would be able to continue to bend like this in adulthood. And you know what? That doesn't make me "good" at yoga. In fact, it can sometimes have the opposite effect when I allow comparison and competition to take over my mindset. I judge myself on not being as bendy as I was last week or not being the bendiest in class, it's a total yoga vibe killer. If you've never looked into yoga philosophy you may believe that yoga is all about the pose, how bendy, flexible or strong you are. If you just search yoga on instagram you will no doubt find all the images of thin, athletic, strong and bendy practitioners in all sorts of almost contortionist poses. This can be extremely off putting if you are new to yoga so here are my 3 tricks to get into (or back into) a yoga practice when everything around you is telling you you aren't good enough. 1. Remind yourself that yoga is more than a pose Did you know there are 8 limbs of yoga and that asana (poses/postures) is only one of them? Yep, there are 7 other limbs of this practice that you can't see in those insta-worthy yoga snaps. I won't dive into them here because I plan to do a deep dive blog series soon but here they are briefly: Yamas - Five external inquiries and restraints Niyamas - Five internal inquiries and observances Asana - Physical postures Pranayama - Breath techniques Pratyahara - Withdrawal of senses creating introversion Dharara - Concentration, study of the mind Dhyana - Deeper states of focus and meditation Samadhi - Absorption, pure contemplation, extended meditation I know it seems like a lot to take in when maybe you were just looking for a stretching and relaxing practice but I promise you that remembering that these exist is one way you can overcome the importance you may be placing on the way your body makes yoga shapes. It's all about perspective and if when you slip into that competitive or comparison mindset reminding yourself that there is more to this than a deeper stretch can help you to be kinder to your body and your self esteem. Another way I like to look at it is that everyone is "good" at yoga and no one is "good" at yoga at the same time. Because yoga is about the journey inwards towards the self and away from all the external comparisons, not even the bendiest practitioners can be perfect all the time.
Asking for and receiving help is one area of my life I feel so much resistance in. If you have visited my blog before you may know that I have spent a good part of my life living alone somewhere outside of my home country of Australia. To lead such an exciting life of travel I have had to be very independent and able to find my own way when I am outside my comfort zone. My mother says she even saw this independent streak in me at a very young age in me so it is well and truly ingrained in me. This identity has served me well over the years, I certainly wouldn't have gotten to where I am today by staying in my comfort zone or in well established support systems. But there comes a time in everyones life when they need the help and support of others. I have found this in motherhood more than ever before which has only been compounded by going into business for myself. I find myself getting busier and busier with no end in sight, working for two nonprofits, trying to build a business and be a present mother to my son. Some days something has just got to give. This year I found that the thing is my need to do it all myself. That realisation has come with some fear though, the fear of asking for and receiving help. I have been actively working through this fear for a number of months now and have been using a few questions to prompt the mindset shift I need to feel comfortable asking for and receiving help. So I invite you to give these a go next time you are in resistance to asking for and receiving help.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I like my little shell and will crawl into it at any given moment, what they wont tell you is that I need community. When you are fiercely independent like I am most people think you are really resilient and will be okay just working things out yourself. While, yes, I can do everything myself and can happily go through anything without help or support from anyone, I really crave community, not in the sense of huge networks but in tight knit little bundles of real deep connection. In my life those little bundles of connection have been few and far between and part of that is the life I have lead. Living overseas as an expat and outside of Australia for most of my adult life has seen me move through many communities. Some in which I have forged very close relationships, but as with any long distance relationship, once I move on from the country or state those once bright vibrant friendships fade into a low glimmer, still burning but just in the background of life, to be brought to the surface every now and again with a fond memory. This fading of friendships and community is inevitable when living a transient life. It is imperative to create strong relationships in the location you are living, particularly when you are away from family, these friends become your family. They help you in emergencies, they are there when you go through devastating times, they are who you celebrate with, they care for you and most importantly they are the ones who will notice when something is up. When you then move this support they can give is limited by distance and you loose that community only having to rebuild it again at the next destination. This then takes time and as a military spouse you can forge those connections only to find two months later that they or you are relocating again. It is because of this lifestyle that I have been thinking about how to create the same sense of community in an online space and COVID has just reinforced this need to me. When all your connections and relationships have to be virtual right now I thought it was a great time to put my idea into practice. But I didn't want to go with the usual social media channels to create this community. Social media, while it has some great qualities, just isn't healthy for us. It is so easy to open up the app looking for connection and find the total opposite after your attention has been grabbed, 30 minutes of scrolling later and you have not only failed to find any connection but have entered some rabbit hole that has left you feeling worse than you started. So none of that for us! I have decided on the Patreon platform as it allows me to tailor so many options for my patrons. There are a number of tiers to chose from with each including some great content and opportunities to connect with me and other patrons. I am so looking forward to creating some great connections and supporting you further in your mindfulness, meditation and movement journey. Check it out if you are interested in any of the following: Practical Mindfulness Practices you can fit into your busy life Meditation Practices that are not intimidating Accessible Yoga practices that are designed for many body types and abilities Deep dive yoga asana (pose) resources to help you get the most from your time on the mat A welcoming community of like minded individuals Exclusive access to ask me all the yoga, mindfulness, meditation and creativity related questions Creative projects to inspire and help you create mindful spaces and so much more! Click the link below to check out the community!
So you've tried meditation and yoga and maybe even given mindfulness a whirl but that serene, float on a cloud feeling eludes you. You thought that through these practices you could channel that ethereal being, perched on top of a mountain in total silence, just content with the whole world. But instead you are stuck with this stressed, discontented, uncomfortable, mentally exhausted version of yourself. Time to give up on all this "woo woo" stuff then right? Wrong! That ethereal being you are imagining perched on top of a mountain is a monk, living in a monastery where all of their needs are met on a daily basis and they have nothing in the world to worry about other than their practice. Do you live on a quiet mountain? Probably not. Does someone else take care of all your needs and the needs of those around you? Again, probably not. You have a job and a family to care of, maybe a pet, a car to maintain, rent, a mortgage, bills to pay, a house to clean, a bank balance to maintain. You have stressors that arise every day that need your attention and there is no avoiding this, unless of course you run away to a monastery. But I am assuming that you don't want to run away because no matter how stressed you get, you built this life and you want to stay in it, albiet with a little less stress and a little more sleep. So if you don't want a life in a monastery then why do you want to live like a monk? My guess is you don't really but have just bought into the idea of total serenity in meditation. And I don't blame you, I did too! Just google meditation and see what images pop up....
